Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
