Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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