Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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