So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
