mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
