I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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