Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
