I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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