i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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