Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
