How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
