you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize