Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
