I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
