If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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