I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
