I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
