i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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