guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
