Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
