I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
