i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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