If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
