Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you inspire me to be a worse person
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
