Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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