Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
