you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
