I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
