I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
