True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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