I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
