Please, let me fuck your mom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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