halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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