guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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