why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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