i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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