a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
