I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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