Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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