I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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