Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize