Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
