i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
