At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
