Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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