just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
