he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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