Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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