just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
