The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
