mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
