Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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