The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Holy sore nipples Batman
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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