How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
