i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize