We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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