i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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