it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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