Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
