Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize