omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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