i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
