I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
