felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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