You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize