Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
