If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
