Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
