K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I love you.
Bad choice
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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