I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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