I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Found your dick twin last night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
